


The Hope's Peak Talentswap Tournament - Part 2

by GallicGalaxy



Category: Dangan Ronpa, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Crack, I really hope this is funny, TV Junko will destroy us all
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-12
Updated: 2016-08-12
Packaged: 2018-08-08 07:33:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7748848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GallicGalaxy/pseuds/GallicGalaxy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Welcome (possibly again) to the first ever Hope's Peak Academy Talentswap tournament. This shocking new challenge will put some of Hope's Peak's finest (and some not-so-finest) through the test of their lives. Blood, sweat, and tears, hope and despair... Splash zone tickets cost extra!</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Hope's Peak Talentswap Tournament - Part 2

**Author's Note:**

  * For [d20eater](https://archiveofourown.org/users/d20eater/gifts).



> Nearly everything about this beauty was completely random - the characters chosen by both myself and prosecutie, the assignment of talents, you name it. The terrible jokes, however, were not. You can blame me for those.

Sayaka Maizono was late.

“I'm sorry! I'm sorry!” She panted as she raced into the gym. “I know we were told to meet at 8 a.m., but I...” Sayaka trailed off as she scanned the room, seeing some friends of hers in there, along with vaguely familiar people, acquaintances, and one or two complete strangers.

“There is no excuse for such tardiness!” A sharp voice reprimanded. “You are approximately 14 minutes and 38 seconds late for our arranged meeting!”

“Oh, give it a rest, Mr. Goody-two-shoes.” Someone complained, rather loudly. Sayaka stumbled forward as the other two launched into their own separate argument. She made her way over to a few familiar faces, still reeling a little from her sprint there.

“Hi there, Makoto!” She bubbled. “And...t-taller Makoto?” She added, cocking her head curiously at the boy standing next to Makoto Naegi.

“Hajime Hinata.” 'Taller Makoto' introduced himself. “Pleased to meet you.”

“Pleased to meet you too! I'm Sayaka Maizono.” Sayaka giggled. “Do you have any idea why we're-”

“Good morning, Hope's Peak Academy!”

Sixteen hearts sank as soon as they heard a familiar voice ring out over their heads.

“How are you kids doing today?” Junko practically cackled. “Are you bored of being the absolute best at what you do all the time? Well, then do I have the challenge for you!” A tiny moment of silence followed, in which nobody dared to ask what the challenge was. It wasn't like it mattered anyway, since Junko appeared to be in her own dimension. “It's called the Talentswap Tournament, and it's sure to be a load of fun for everyone!”

“Define ' _fun_ '...” Someone in the crowd mumbled. Junko either didn't hear them or ignored them completely.

“The premise is simple.” Junko declared, stepping aside to reveal a large glass bowl full of what appeared to be paper sitting atop the podium. “One at a time, you will all come up and draw a piece of paper from this bowl. On that piece of paper will be a new talent... _your_ new talent!” Junko giggled and struck a colorful pose. The half of the students who hadn't already noticed the camera found it as Junko angled herself in its direction. There were one or two subtle eye rolls from her collection of victims.

“Since you're all super-talented Hope's Peak Academy kids, I think you can master these new abilities in, say...” Junko paused and pressed one of her long-nailed fingers to her chin, though it was obvious that she already had a time limit in mind. “A week? How does that sound?”

“A _week_?” A girl with a high-pitched voice gasped.

“Yes, a week!” Junko laughed. “With little check-ins every day to keep track of your progress! And, of course, you'll be on camera while you're training too. We couldn't miss even a second of this heart-pounding excitement!”

“But...why?” One of the boys questioned. If one could point violently, Junko pointed violently at the culprit, who was revealed to be Hajime Hinata.

“To test your limits! To see what the world's most talented teenagers are really capable of!” She exclaimed. “And, of course, for the drama! The thrills! The excitement!” Her voice grew sharper and somehow louder with every shouted phrase. “What more reason could you have?” She finished. Nobody decided to argue with her.

“Now, let's get on with it!” Junko declared, hands on her hips. She pulled what appeared to be a list out of nowhere and changed her focus towards it. “Our first lucky contestant is...Mr. Leon Kuwata!”

Suppressing a sigh of resignation, Leon broke from the small crowd and strode up to the bowl. He rustled the slips of paper around for a moment before he drew one out, with Junko watching him intently for those few tense seconds.

“Oh, what could it be?” Junko gasped. “The suspense!” She howled, dashing up beside Leon and emoting to the camera.

“Are you serious?” Leon demanded, upon unfolding his slip of paper. “A ballerina? This fuckin' game is rigged against me!”

“Ooh, that's it, give the censors something to think about!” Junko laughed, directing a surprised look towards the camera. “But I hate to say that it's just the luck of the draw! Good luck, Leon!”

“What are you even complaining about? We all knew you were gay anyway.” Someone snickered from the crowd.

“I'm not gay!” Leon shouted, searching for whoever had made the accusation.

“ _Ooooh_.” Junko hissed. “Denial is only stage one! Will he have reached acceptance by the end of the week? Stay tuned to find out, folks!”

“But I'm not-” Leon tried to protest, as Junko pushed him away abruptly.

“Now, speaking of gay, I'd like to welcome Kiyotaka Ishimaru to the drawing!” She announced. “Come on up here, you gay walnut!” Ishimaru raced to the front as soon as his name was spoken, standing stiffly in front of the bowl. He reached his arm into it and grabbed the first slip he touched, lifting it to his face and gasping a little as he unfolded it. “Now, tell us all what your new talent will be!” Junko cackled.

“F...Fashion designer?” Ishimaru stammered. “I...I will embrace the tenets of fashion with as much power as I can!” He proclaimed, his composure returning abruptly. He likely would've kept speaking, but Junko shoved him back into the crowd before another word left his mouth.

“Next up, Hajime Hinata!” Junko pronounced. She then leaned towards the camera as though she was whispering a secret to it. “Hajime Hinata?” She hissed, in almost a mockery of discreet speech. “How did he get in here? What a wonder! This is almost scandalous!”

“...You do know I can hear every word you're saying, right?” Hajime questioned as he strode up to the talent bowl. Junko just laughed and gave Hajime a pat on the shoulder.

“Hah! I'm just joking around!” She answered, but then immediately leaned back towards the camera and mumbled, _“Actually, I'm not.”_ with a wink. Hajime sighed through his nostrils and fished around in the sea of talents.

“Now, Hazime, what is _your_ talent?” Junko asked, before snickering at the camera again.

“Did you just call me 'Haz-'”

“It doesn't matter!” Junko giggled. “Tell the people what your new talent is.” Hajime looked down at his paper and then pulled at his collar a little.

“Beekeeper.” Hajime announced. _What kind of a talent even is that?_ He thought to himself.

“Magnificent!” Junko replied, crudely shoving Hajime back into the crowd. “Next up is...Fuyuhiko Kuzuryuu!” She cackled, pointing straight into the crowd. “O-M-G, he actually decided to show up! I was sure his bad boy instincts would tell him not to come at all!” Junko did that thing where she shielded her mouth and pretended to whisper directly to the camera even though pretty much everyone could hear her. “Just between you and me, I think he might be a huge baby on the inside! Maybe we'll find out!” She gasped, whirling around again.

“C-Can we just get on with this bullshit?!” Fuyuhiko stuttered angrily.

“Oh, kids these days are so vulgar!” Junko sighed. Fuyuhiko ignored her and strode up to the podium with his hands in his pockets. “Just come up and choose your talent.” Junko sighed again, feigning disappointment. Fuyuhiko did as he was bade, unfolding the slip of paper without being asked.

“Survivalist, huh?” Fuyuhiko scoffed. “Shouldn't be too hard.” He declared with a smirk.

“Cocky!” Junko gasped. “Hmm, I had hoped you would end up as a tuba player, to be honest. Can you imagine a wittle itty-bitty boy like you trying to lift such a big instrument?” She teased, making a cutesy face at the camera.

“The fuck did you just say to me??” Fuyuhiko snarled, balling up his fists. Junko laughed at him again and then kicked him back into the crowd.

“I said you're just a cutie-patootie!” Junko giggled. “And speaking of which, you know who else is a cutie-patootie and also our next contestant? Nagito Komaeda!” Fuyuhiko was now being held back by one of the crowd's more powerful members, who was calmly holding onto his suit by the neck. Ishimaru began reprimanding him for his violent swearing, which caused Fuyuhiko to re-direct his anger towards Ishimaru himself. Junko made no move to stop them.

Komaeda walked up to the podium, paying no mind to Fuyuhiko's rage in the background. He shuffled through the talent slips with thin fingers, the rest of the crowd waiting apprehensively to see what his luck granted him.

“Hmm...Cheerleader.” He murmured, a small smile on his face. Junko stood beside him and turned him towards the camera.

“Tell us, how do you feel about that?” She prompted, her hand still on the back of Nagito's head to keep him focused on the camera.

“Well, I suppose a cheerleader's job is to fill people with hope, right?” He thought aloud. “In a sense. But...with my luck, trying to pull off stunts like that could be dangerous! For my teammates too...” Komaeda appeared to be lost in thought, but Junko was just staring into the camera, smiling next to him.

“Isn't he cute, ladies and gentlemen? What a darling!” Junko laughed raucously. “Don't you just wanna pinch his little cheeks? I know I do!” And she winked to the audience. “Oh, they love you. Wave to the people, you little marshmallow!” Nagito waved shyly at the camera while Junko ruffled his hair. Rather than shoving him back to the crowd, she quietly ushered him along.

“Hey, why are you giving him the executive treatment?” Someone (most likely Fuyuhiko) spat.

“Because, to put it simply, the audience loves him!” Junko shouted. “He's our main attraction! Do you know how many people would hate me if I pushed him around? Too many! Television is all about ratings, which you get through flaunting cute boys in front of the camera and occasional panty shots which you pretend are unintentional!”

“...shots of _whose_ panties?”

But whoever asked was never answered. Junko just pointed energetically into the crowd and shouted, “Now, boys, let's get on with it! Next up is the mysterious individual known only as Byakuya Twogami!” After that comment, Junko turned back towards the camera. “How strange! I swear there was a mix-up somewhere along the way. But oh well, who has time for plot holes right now?”

Twogami adjusted his glasses and walked forward, silent and far more dignified than most of the previous contestants had been. He was still silent as he snatched an unsuspecting piece of paper from the diminishing bowl.

“S...Surfer?!” He exclaimed in offense. “Really? You expect me to participate in something so frivolous? Hmph, I almost applaud your bravery...”

“Such arrogance!” Junko cried. “But too bad, because you'll have to learn to surf anyway! I'm sure it should present an ample challenge. Are you telling me there's a task too great for the mighty Byakuya Togami to conquer?” Junko then leaned back towards the camera and muttered, “He's not the real Byakuya Togami anyway.”

“Hmm, you certainly do know how to convince someone of my stature.” Twogami chuckled. Nobody commented, but one of the girls stifled a series of giggles. “Very well. I will find a solution to this surfing challenge of yours. You will not outdo me so easily!” Junko clapped her hands together as Twogami turned on his heels and strode back into the crowd.

“That's more like it!” She shouted. “Now, weren't we just on the subject of adorable boys a minute ago? Because our next contestant is Makoto Naegi!”

Makoto stepped forward, his eyes wide and face tentative. “Look at that bashful face! Those big eyes!” Junko howled, hands on her cheeks as she spoke directly to the camera. “Don't you just wanna pinch _his_ little cheeks, too? Maybe we can make him blush!” She continued, winking to the audience. As if on cue, Makoto's face turned a few shades pinker. Junko squealed in what may have been joy. Mostly ignoring her, Makoto shuffled up to the bowl of paper and rustled around in it, almost struggling to reach over the top at his height.

“My new talent is...a magician?” Makoto revealed. _Well, maybe it won't be that hard... But, I really don't know anything about doing magic tricks. At all..._

“A magician? You're already working plenty of magic for the camera!” Junko teased. Makoto blushed even harder. Junko ruffled his hair and then scooted him right back into the crowd. “And finally, the last of our boys for today happens to be none other than NEKOMARU NIDAIIII!” She yelled, doing a full 360 to point towards him with both hands.

“Of course!” Nekomaru shouted. “Every day is a good day for a challenge!!” He veritably bellowed, striding powerfully towards the bowl of talents. He swiftly grabbed one of the talent slips and read it out loud, as Junko hovered impatiently next to him. “A dog groomer!” He shouted, in a mixture of enthusiasm and uncertainty.

“Dog groomer?” Junko repeated, before cupping a hand around her mouth and making a noise which sounded like a howl. “ _Ar-ar-arooo-oo!_ ” She howled, then leaned back to the camera and blocked her mouth from the crowd with the same hand. “Am I right, ladies?” She murmured, raising her eyebrows suggestively. Junko put her hands back on her hips and put on a look of fake disappointment. “I had hoped you'd be the surfer, personally. Our ratings would have _soooaarred_!” Junko lamented, gesturing towards the ceiling. “Speaking of ratings, just the thought of that has got my heart rate thumping like _crazy_!” She gasped, pressing a hand to her chest. “I swear if I get any more excited, my heart might just burst!”

Nobody spoke for a few moments before Hajime broke through the silence by declaring, “That was a _really_ mean joke.”

“Me? Make a mean joke?” Junko gasped. “Me? Make a joke very few of our audience members would even get? Never!” She shouted. “I was just lamenting that we won't get to see Nekomaru in a bathing suit all the time. Don't you agree that it's tragic, Hajime? Wouldn't you like to see that big, strong body all wet and exposed, sparkling in the sunlight?” Junko teased, leaning down and letting her voice waver, though she was clearly just trying to get to Hajime. Hajime pulled at his collar uncomfortably.

“That sounds like a great idea!” Nekomaru purred, wrapping an arm around Hajime's shoulders. “Hajime, we should go to the beach together sometime! I'm certain I could teach you how to surf...or, of course, there are always alternatives! The possibilities with watersports are endless!”

Hajime put one of his hands in front of his face and mumbled, “Please, please stop...”

“ _Ohh my_!” Junko wailed, hands over her heart. “Who even needs the ocean? I'm wet enough already!” With that, she winked and clicked her tongue at the camera.

“Hajime, are you alright? Your face is a shade of red that appears very unnatural for human skin!” A girl with a light, fluttery voice gasped, effectively only worsening Hajime's situation.

“Ooh, Hajime's embarrassed!” Junko moaned. She angled herself at the camera for a second to whisper, “Or should I say, em- _bara_ -ssed...” Before continuing. “Stop it, just stop it! The tension you're building is almost too hot for TV! But, I guess I can't blame our newfound beekeeper – after all, it _is_ his first time with the birds and the bees.” Junko made a nudging motion at the camera as though she was playfully ribbing someone in the audience. “Or, just the bees, I should say. No birds are invited to that party, if you catch my drift!”

 

“I don't see what's so humorous about this hypothetical situation!” Ishimaru interjected. “Debating it is only taking up our time!”

“Oh, dear...” Junko sighed once more. “Someone explain fanservice to the walnut while the girls are getting their talents. And speaking of which, our first lovely lady is Miss Sonia Nevermind!” Junko introduced, attempting to curtsy with her short skirt while Sonia marched up to the talent bowl.

“I have...” Sonia hummed. “Monster Truck Driver. How interesting. I have never heard of these 'monster trucks' before, but I too shall drive them! If it is anything like driving a tank, then I am sure I can handle one of these vehicles!” Despite seeming to be even more ignorant of her new subject matter than most of her peers, Sonia seemed quite excited about it.

“That's the spirit, girl!” Junko replied. Ishimaru briefly interrupted the flow to scream, _“That's disgusting!!”_ from the audience, a look of violated innocence on his face.

“Anyway,” Junko continued. “Up next is...Mukuro Ikusaba?!?” She gasped. Junko leaned back to the camera with a look of shock on her face. “There sure are a lot of people one wouldn't expect to be here...Hmm, how strange...”

Mukuro was completely silent while she walked up to the podium, her boots thunking quietly as she broke from the crowd. She snatched the first piece of paper she touched, and then flatly declared, “Tuba player. Alright, then.”

“Ooh, icy...” Junko commented. “You haven't changed at all, have you?”

“Neither have you, Junko.” Mukuro retaliated without skipping a beat. “Still as excessively excitable as ever, still orchestrating complicated plots and catching everyone off guard.”

“Ahh, you know me too well.” Junko chuckled slightly. “Now, go learn how to play the tuba! Good luck! At least you can probably hold one.” Fuyuhiko muttered something to himself in the crowd. “Aaaaand then we have none other than Hiyoko Saionji!” Junko giggled.

“Finally!” Hiyoko spat. “I thought you'd be too busy making stupid dirty jokes to ever even get to me!” She scoffed to herself and trotted up to the bowl, reaching up into it as well as she could.

“You're one to talk!” Junko laughed. “I saw you snickering at Hajime's blushing episode, you little sadist!”

“Ugh, _you're_ one to talk, you overproduced skank!” Hiyoko snarled, ignoring her talent slip for a moment.

“Overproduced skank?” Junko repeated. “Oh, save it for the talk show circuit, honey!” Hiyoko scoffed at her again and decided to finally unfold her slip of paper.

“Dollmaker?” She murmured, her eyes widening. “Hah! That sounds easy!”

“I wouldn't get too cocky.” Junko giggled. “I don't think you'll have such an easy time with it.”

“What would you know?” Hiyoko complained, before turning on her heels and shuffling angrily back into the crowd.

“And up next, Aoi Asahina!” Junko purred. “Come on down, get yourself a talent, you pretty little thing!” Aoi did exactly as she was bade, a touch of apprehension on her face.

“I got...ice sculptor.” She narrated. “Well, I suppose that could be worse. How hard can it really be to sculpt ice?” She proposed, rather cheerfully.

“You have no idea...” Junko chuckled darkly.

“Well, I'm sure can figure it out!” Aoi laughed sheepishly. She adjusted her jacket and trotted right back into the crowd, still looking mildly worried about her capacity for ice sculpting.

“And next...Sayaka Maizono!” Junko announced. Sayaka smiled as she walked up, shuffling around in the pool of talents.

“And I get...eeh, cross-country runner?” She gasped, a bead of sweat rolling down her temple.

“Cross-country runner?” Junko repeated. “Hah! Hilarious! Considering you had to cross-country run to get here because you were late! Maybe next time you won't push your luck!” Sayaka played with her hair nervously and then scurried back into her spot among her comrades.

“Aw, you're no fun...” Junko sighed. “But our next lovely lady is miss Sakura Oogami, who is known for being a whole _ton_ of fun!” Sakura refrained from commenting on anything Junko said, but she got up to the bowl of talents. There were only three remaining in the bowl at this point, but Sakura chose hers without any discernible method.

“Paranormal investigator?” She gasped, eyebrows raised.

“Sakura Oogami the paranormal investigator?” Junko repeated. “More like Sakura Oogami the ghost puncher! I would hate to be paranormal right now!” Sakura closed her eyes for a moment and then calmly walked off into the crowd, where a few people were murmuring about their talents. “Second to last is the lovely Akane Owari!” Junko continued. “Now, what will _she_ be punching? It's a pity there can't be two ghost-punching women on this show! I guarantee you there would be plenty of people who'd tune in just for that.”

“Pfft, I don't really care what my new talent is.” Akane scoffed, bouncing her way up to the podium. “I've worked plenty of different jobs, so I can probably get the hang of whatever it is.” She cracked her knuckles before diving into the bowl, despite the fact that only two slips of paper remained. “Alright, let's do this!” She cried, yanking one of them aggressively out of the nearly empty glass bowl. “Let's see...I got 'salesperson'.” She noted. “So, I just have to get people to buy stuff, right? That'll be easy!” Akane proclaimed.

“You go, girl!” Junko encouraged. “You're a strong independent woman! Just look at those big muscles!” She cackled, winking subtly at the camera.

“Hell yeah!” Akane yelled. “I'll let you feel 'em if you buy one of whatever I'm gonna be sellin'!”

“Reeeaaally?” Junko gasped sharply. “What do I get if I buy 20 of them?”

“20 free muscle feelin' coupons!” Akane laughed raucously.

“Well, you'd better keep some reserved for me!” Junko demanded. Akane smiled widely to herself and hopped back into the mingling crowd. “What a budding entrepreneur!” Junko told the camera lens. “I'd buy anything from her, even if it was just a bag specifically designed for carrying smaller bags!” She giggled. “Now, we only have one person left, and only one talent left, of course! That person is Kyouko Kirigiri, but that talent? Let us see!”

Kyouko walked stiffly forward, her expression unreadable, and pulled the one remaining talent slip from the bowl.

“Game Show Host.” Kyouko said flatly.

“Game show host??” Junko mimicked. “How meta, considering I'm basically hosting a game show right now...Will you manage to outdo me? Only time will tell!” Kyouko sighed to herself and re-folded her paper slip as she turned and walked away.

Junko shielded her eyes with one hand (though it was utterly unnecessary) and examined the crowd. “Hmm, it looks like that is indeed everyone!” She pronounced. “So, you all have your talents now – no take-backs and no trading! Remember, we have you on camera. I hope you like your talents, because you'll be getting real familiar with them over the course of this week. I and your mentors will see you tomorrow!” With that, she winked dramatically at the camera and waved a goodbye.

 


End file.
